I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
