oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
