Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
