Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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