3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
