i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
