don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
