I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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