I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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