Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
