I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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