How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
