I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
