There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
