I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
