so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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