just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
