So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
