we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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