im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
