I wish I could teleport
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
