a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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