In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
