Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
