totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
