how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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