I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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