Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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