that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
