if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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