Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
