I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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