Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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