just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
