Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
