Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
