Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
