Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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