i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
