just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
