I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
