He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I just googled if crying burns calories
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
