Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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