i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
