Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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