looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
