i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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