Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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