I think I can smell my own vagina right now
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
