Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
